How Going Against Intuition Leads to Self Deception

Has there ever been a time when you had an intuitive feeling about something but you went against it? Regardless of how that particular outcome played out, it probably felt uncomfortable to go against your gut. 

It’s common to think of intuition as having a kind of magical source. But it is really built out of a series of authentic experiences that reinforce our ways of thinking and ways of being over time. Once you experience success following a certain path of choices, you are likely to repeat that pattern of thinking. Likewise, if a series of choices leads to a negative outcome, you will remember that information for next time. 

Over time and experience, we begin to develop a sense that we affectionately refer to as our “gut feelings.” It is hard to say how accurate these feelings are in guiding our individual choices, but one thing is certain, they have a significant impact on our self-perception and how we relate to one another. 

When we go against our gut, it can be a form of self-betrayal. This can be hard to reconcile. Our intuition is so closely linked to who we are, when we doubt it, things can quickly become confusing. 

In the book Leadership and Self Deception: Getting Out of the Box, published in 2000 by The Arbinger Institute, the authors explain how this process happens to us step by step:

1. An act contrary to what I feel I should do for another is called an act of “self-betrayal.”

2. When I betray myself, I begin to see the world in a way that justifies my self-betrayal. 

3. When I see the world in a self-justifying way, my view of reality becomes distorted.

They go on to give an example of a young couple and their newborn infant. Both parents exhausted and bewildered by the sudden and extensive changes in their lives and sleeping patterns, like many a typical night in this circumstance, the baby begins crying. The father’s first intuitive thought is, “I should get up and tend to the baby.” But instead, he decides to pretend to be asleep and waits for his wife to wake up and care for the baby, going entirely against his first impulse. He has now betrayed his intuition. Once this happens, it is easy to begin to justify his self-betrayal with thoughts about his wife such as, “she should get up with the baby, I have to work all day tomorrow.” Or, “I washed the dishes and did bath and fed the baby tonight, it’s her turn to do something.” 

Just like the father in this scenario, once we betray our intuitive feelings, we quickly begin to inflate the view of ourselves in terms of what we have done right while we equally inflate our view of others in terms of what they have done wrong, or have failed to do. It is through this process our perspective becomes skewed.

You can imagine the type of interpersonal conflict to which this may lead us. As we continue to deny our initial impulses, we layer upon layer self betrayal and self deception, getting farther and farther away from our natural, true, and transparent feelings, and more and more intricately bound up in our feelings of defensiveness, reactiveness, judgment, and doubt. 

And the impact of self-deception is far reaching. The Arbinger Institute describes self-deception this way, “It blinds us to the true causes of problems, and once we’re blind, all the “solutions” we can think of will actually make matters worse. Whether at work or at home, self-deception obscures the truth about ourselves, corrupts our view of others and our circumstances, and inhibits our ability to make wise and helpful decisions.”

So how can we sort out if we are listening to our authentic intuition or being blinded by our own self-deception? We start with investigating our motives and exploring whether they are honest or ulterior. 

And from there, it’s simple. We try to do better. We make one decision at a time, always striving for authentic, transparent communication, knowing we will have some missteps along the way. Just as the momentum can get going in the direction of self-betrayal, we have the power to turn the momentum in the direction of self-trust. 

As we grow in this skill, we grow in our ability to trust our natural impulses and to trust our intuition, one gut feeling at a time. 

Reference:

The Arbinger Institute (2000). Leadership and Self Deception: Getting Out of the Box. San Francisco, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers.

Psychology Around the Net: August 3, 2019

This week’s Psychology Around the Net covers even newer research on screen time and mental health (specifically for adolescents), a few little tests you can perform to reveal a narcissist, a clue to the maternal instinct, and more.

Enjoy!

Screen Time Might not Be as Bad for Mental Health as We Thought: Isn’t it starting to feel like there’s going to be as many conflicting reports on screen time and mental health as there is for marijuana and mental health? Surely it’s not just me. Now on the reports of the negative mental health effects of screen time, According to University of Oxford experimental psychologist Andrew Przybylski says: “None of these [negative] claims is supported by facts or a drop of scientific evidence.” (Ouch.) After he and colleagues conducted surveyed approximately 10,000 15-year-old boys over the course of a decade regarding their households, life satisfaction, and social media use, Przybylski states the adolescents’ answers showed social media had little impact on their well-being. Specifically, “What we found was a whole lot of nothing.” (Double ouch.) However, some other researchers argue the study is flawed.

5 Tests Which Reveal a Narcissist’s True Colors: It’s not always easy spotting a narcissist — especially the ones who know how to disguise the kinds of behavior that gives them away. Shahida Arabi has gathered and explained five “tests” you can give to reveal whether someone is a narcissist — from watching how they react to your success to seeing if they use a personal disclosure as ammunition.

Scientists Find Clue to ‘Maternal Instinct’: New research has discovered a group of cells that are activated by oxytocin, the love hormone which is important in the regulation of maternal behavior, in an area of female mouse brains that isn’t present in the same area of male mouse brains.

ROZES Addresses Mental Health in Heartfelt ‘Call Me’ Video: Watch: Musician and mental health advocate ROZES has released a powerful new video for her latest single “Call Me,” which she co-wrote with Alex Hope and Sophie Frances. Both the song lyrics and the video address the importance of seeing help, as one woman struggles with mental health issues and another offers support: “I get how you lay in bed all day / I used to be the same way, ay ay ay ay / Remember how I used to be / All alone, by myself, only me.”

Hector, The Projector: What to Do When You Feel Like You’re Being Judged: Let’s face it: feeling judged sucks. It’s even worse when the person judging you is your partner, a family member, or a friend. What are the best ways to handle it?

How Journalists’ Jobs Affect Their Mental Health: A Research Roundup: Journalists report on a multitude of tough subjects every day — from political violence to natural disasters to human suffering — and it’s no wonder it can take a toll on a reporter’s mental health. Says Natalee Seely, an assistant professor of journalism at Ball State University: “Like therapists — who through the process of ‘transference’ can vicariously experience their patients’ emotional pain — reporters may also experience a type of indirect, secondary trauma through the victims they interview and the graphic scenes to which they must bear witness.” Check out these studies that take a look at the stress and psychological toll journalists experience(d) covering everything from Hurricane Harvey to everyday violence.

Our next antibiotic may come from dirt bacteria, suggests new study, which solved the X-ray crystal structure of the enzyme that makes obafluorin, a broad spectrum antibiotic agent made from a fluorescent strain of soil bacteria that might offer a powerful antidote to antibiotic resistance.

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Twins Born Conjoined at the Head Are Separated Successfully

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Nearing Burnout? 9 Ways to Stave Off Exhaustion

The signs are creeping in. You’re quick to snap at your spouse. You’re sarcastic with your co-workers. You’re more tired than usual. Your motivation and enthusiasm are starting to sink.   

You feel stuck and maybe restless. The quality of your work is slipping. You find yourself reading the same line of the same email over and over. And over.

A lot of things—and people—are starting to grate on your nerves. You’re easily triggered. Life is feeling too loud. Your perspective is becoming pessimistic. And you just want to be left alone.

You’re nearing burnout, and you know it. Maybe you aren’t showing all these signs. Maybe you’re showing several.

But either way, you’re frustrated and feeling depleted. And it doesn’t help that you’re unable to take a vacation or even a few days off. Maybe you also work from home where work/life boundaries are especially blurry. And maybe you’re also a parent to a kid or two, shrinking your free time.

So, what can you do (besides sulk and be passive aggressive)?

For starters, here’s what doesn’t work: When most of us get busy and feel overwhelmed, we focus on attacking our to-do list—and we “pull away from stress-reducing activities [that] we love to do,” said Mark DeFee, a coach, speaker, and therapist with 15 years of experience in corporate mental health helping organizations develop their employees and create cultures of wellness.

After all, that’s the productive thing to do. The less we have on our lists, the better we’ll feel, right? So, you skip your yoga practice to catch up on email. You go into the office an hour earlier. You work through lunch. You cancel date night.

However, this only exacerbates your exhaustion. Because instead of putting gas in your tank and changing the oil, you’re running on fumes.

But how can you feel replenished when you’re still pressed for time?

Below, you’ll find nine strategies to help.

Wake up mindfully. According to Laura Torres, LPC, a holistic mental health counselor in Asheville, N.C, you can begin your day with just 1 minute of breathing or stretching and noticing your sensations.

DeFee does a 3-minute breathing exercise on the myStrength app. If he doesn’t have 3 minutes, he takes “slow, deep breaths visualizing my breathing with the air coming in my nostrils, down to my toes, and back out again.”

Shonda Moralis, LCSW, a psychotherapist and women’s mindful empowerment coach, noted that simply “taking a few breaths counteracts fight-or-flight, our body’s reaction to stress and perceived danger.”

Take small pauses. Carve out a few minutes throughout the day to identify your feelings, thoughts, and sensations, and what you need, Torres said. Consider: “How am I doing? What’s happening for me right now?”

For instance, you realize your hands are hurting, so you give yourself a quick massage. You realize that you’re feeling restless, so you take a walk on your lunch break. You realize you’re ruminating about a challenging project, so you listen to a 2-minute guided meditation.

You can even set reminder bells on your phone, or pair your brief check-in with answering the phone, going to the bathroom, or getting in the car, Torres said. 

Buddy up. When we’re doing something for ourselves only, it’s all-too easy to skip it and do everything else (like tackle that sink full of dishes). Torres suggested engaging in self-care activities with someone else. For example, she said, commit to meeting a friend for yoga class, or taking a walk together.

The key is to do things you actually want to do. In other words, don’t promise to meet your friend at the gym because you hate that place and need them to be accountable. There’s nothing replenishing about that.

Enlist loved ones. When it comes to others, it’s also helpful to share your individual signs for nearing burnout, along with ways they can support you when you’re getting there, Torres said.

For instance, ask loved ones to encourage you and share some of your responsibilities, said Moralis, author of several books, including the forthcoming Breathe, Empower, Achieve: 5-Minute Mindfulness for Women Who Do It All. “Our loved ones cannot read our minds and may not realize we are struggling.”

Be mindful about mindless resting. When we’re nearing burnout, we tend to reach for mindless activities—and over-do it. That is, before you know it, you’ve spent an hour scrolling, or 3 hours watching something you don’t even care to watch.

Torres suggested creating concrete boundaries, such as setting a timer for 30 minutes to scroll social media. When your timer dings, get up, and move around. Then ask yourself if you’d still like to keep scrolling, she said. This helps you be more intentional about how you spend your time, so it’s genuinely relaxing and rejuvenating. 

Create a serene space. Attending to your physical space can be a great concrete reset when the rest of your schedule feels out of control, Torres said. “[I]n my experience, it’s difficult for our nervous system to settle in a disorganized cluttered space,” she said.

It’s helpful to make your home conducive to recharging by “setting up a cozy meditation or yoga space, lighting candles, putting essential oils in a diffuser, turning on relaxing music, buying some house plants, [and lightly cleaning up].”

Prioritize what’s most pressing. Moralis suggested focusing on the area of your life that currently feels neglected. What’s missing? Is it time with your kids, your partner, or yourself?

Then identify one “micro-action step” you can take. For instance, you might wake up 10 minutes early to read or meditate and schedule a weekly phone call with a close friend, Moralis said.

Incorporate restorative habits. According to DeFee, it’s important to have “longer-term habits that will help keep your burnout level at the lower end.” For example, as someone who works from home, he structures his day to include walking his dogs. “I do it strategically to decompress after long meetings or completing a difficult task.”

DeFee and his wife also do an activity they call “three best things” every night. That is, they share their three best moments of the day. “It requires us to have a deeper conversation than just getting the chores done and taking care of our 1 year old. The sharing also allows us to look back on our day through a positive filter as we try to pick out the best moments.”

DeFee added that it’s helpful to find an activity that gives your mind a rest from anxious thoughts, and you do at the same time every day. “That helps make it a consistent part of your schedule.”

Identify contributing factors. Get to the root cause (or causes) that led you to feel (almost) burnt out. According to Moralis, “Are your expectations too high for how much you believe you should accomplish? Are you operating out of guilt? Fear? The idea that you should be able to handle it all without burning out?”

Once you can identify what created this situation, you can identify how to resolve it, and prevent it from happening in the future.

“Pushing ourselves past healthy limits—whether with hours worked, sleep deprivation, or robbing ourselves of fun and time to rest—is not a badge of honor, despite society’s persuasive messages to the contrary,” Moralis said.

Rather, “burnout can have real physical, emotional, behavioral, relational, and career consequences. We are in no way the best version of ourselves if we are at all nearing the point of burnout,” she said.

So, make time for restorative activities, whether you have 45 minutes or 5 minutes. You, your loved ones, and your work will be better for it.

At Mexican Oil Company, Workers Offered ‘Health Incentive’ Bonus For Weight Loss, Trim Waistlines

Scientists say a blood test can detect signs of Alzheimer's 20 years before onset of symptoms

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