What Happens When You Still Feel Like a Teenager When You Are an Adult?
This question arose in a recent therapy session when a thirty-something client was sitting in my office. We were discussing the regressed feelings she sometimes had, even though she had become adept at ‘adulting’. She held a responsible job, had a stable, happy marriage, and was raising two wonderful children. She could examine her life and sigh contentedly and, by most people’s standards, she had no overt reason for feelings of anxiety and depression. I explained that they are not mutually exclusive. It is quite possible to appear to have it all together on the surface and still have roiling discontent beneath the waves.
She sometimes felt she was treading water and not well. It harkened back to adolescent angst that appeared when she felt less than confident and competent. She knew with absolute certainty on good days that she was not that awkward teen. On challenging days, she was just as sure that she was back in high school, wondering how anyone could like her.
I told her, as I have any client who expresses similar feelings, that there is no one, regardless of how confident they seem, who doesn’t harbor self-doubt.
I asked her to imagine traversing the hallways in her school and that she could see thought bubbles above the heads of the others who were hurrying to get to class before the bell rang. What did she reckon would be contained within them? We laughed as we agreed that it was pretty darn likely that they had the same chatter going on in their minds about worthiness, appearance, academic performance, parents, career possibilities, romance, social interaction, or lack thereof. It goes to show that no one is immune to the active inner critic that longs for attention and will do whatever it takes to get it.
I also remind my clients that even the seemingly socially adept struggle at times. Their dilemma is the polar opposite, since achieving high status, they may feel pressure to maintain that lofty position. I remind them that pedestals are for statues and not people since it is so easy to get knocked off.
The Broadway show Dear Evan Hansen is the perfect reflection of what teens experience as they attempt to traverse the oft times treacherous territory. The song “Waving Through A Window“ expresses the distance and isolation sometimes felt and the piece called “You Will Be Found“ provides reassurance that even though we might be convinced we are not enough, we are never truly alone.
When I was a teen, I questioned my own footing. There were times when I was sure I fit into the puzzle of high school life and others when I seemed like a square peg in a round hole. Hard to imagine when I had friends, activities — swim team, Hebrew school and volunteering among them — and the phone was ringing often with invitations to hang out. In retrospect, I realize I worried too much about what others thought of me. Even now, at 60, I still check in and ask how much of what I do is influenced by what I think people expect of me and how much is internally driven.
A story that speaks to this comes from the wit and wisdom of Wavy Gravy, who was the emcee at Woodstock. His persona is that of a clown. He coined the phrase, “We are all Bozos on the bus.” I share it often with clients and students of all ages who fear that they will never be enough, have enough or do enough. They believe that there is a cool kid’s table (or bus) where everyone else but them gets to sit. These folks have more money, get better grades, wear more stylish clothes, are more popular, smarter, more talented, thinner, more attractive, more adept at whatever it is to which they aspire. The truth is, according to Wavy, these folks are Bozos in drag whose masks slip at times to reveal the vulnerable being beneath them. When I speak about it, I encourage them to fully embrace their Bozo-hood. Be wildly weird, uniquely themselves. They laugh at this and nod knowingly since they are acutely aware that their therapist embodies this herself.
Another topic that inevitably comes up when someone is feeling inadequate is “I’m not enough, and will never reach the level of proficiency that I desire, so why even try?” It is then that I remind them of how much they have achieved throughout their lives. Each of us is born with certain talents and gifts that we need to polish. Some of us have passions but may lack the skill to follow them naturally. That’s when cultivating our abilities by practice is necessary. The first time we do anything, we may feel clumsy and inept. We are always better at something the more we engage in it. It is also why I encourage my clients to put into active practice what we talk about in my office, since they don’t live here. I joke that only I live in my office.
I invite you to have a conversation with your adolescent self and perhaps write a letter to that young person who had one foot in childhood and the other stretching toward adulthood. What wisdom would you impart from your adult perspective? How would you reassure them that you made it across the threshold? What accomplishments do you want to applaud yourself for and what holes did you climb out of or avoid altogether? What stories do you want to rescript? What can you learn from the one who may have braved high school, learned to drive, achieved a diploma or GED, and went on to either attend college or enter the workforce? Either way the conversation goes, I encourage you to be kind and compassionate to the work in progress that you are since you entered the adult world.
When Your Mind Keeps Telling You You’re a Failure
When Nita Sweeney decided to start running at 49 years old, her thoughts sounded like this: “You’re old, fat, and slow. You look funny in those clothes and they’re not even the right clothes anyway. People will laugh at you. You’re such a poser, acting like a ‘runner.’ Who do you think you are?”
When many of us start something new, our inner dialogue sounds the same. We already know we will fail. Miserably. And because our failure is inevitable, we’re better off not even trying. And often that’s exactly what we do: We don’t do anything.
Or maybe you can’t get over a recent (or past) failure. You failed an important final or an exam for your new career. You didn’t get a job you really wanted, or the promotion you worked really hard for. You gave a mediocre, maybe even embarrassing, speech.
And somehow that failed performance turned into I am a failure. Somehow that’s become your current perspective on anything you do. In fact, maybe you wake up to the sound of negative thoughts—I’m such an idiot, today won’t go well, I always fall short—and you fall asleep to the same song.
“Thoughts of failure can derive from many places, but especially from adverse childhood experiences, such as abuse, neglect, trauma, or violence,” said Kelly Hendricks, MA, a marriage and family therapist in San Diego.
Individuals who grow up in such environments, she said, might grow up believing: “I don’t matter. No one likes me. I can’t do anything right, especially not please or win the attention of my own family; therefore, I’m a failure.”
Or maybe you were surrounded by people who saw themselves as inadequate and talked about it regularly—and assumed the worst about life in general, Hendricks said.
Maybe the people around you talked about others in this way, said Tracy Dalgleish, C.Psych., a clinical psychologist and couples therapist working to take therapy outside of the therapy room by providing e-courses, community presentations, and workplace wellness seminars.
“Sometimes our definition of failure may not even be our own,” she said.
Thoughts of failure also can stem from our personality traits, such as perfectionism and the need for control or approval, Dalgleish said. While these traits can be invaluable in helping us to succeed and accomplish our goals, she noted they can become problematic when we don’t meet our own standards (or someone else’s).
Whether it feels like your failure is deeply entrenched or not, you can learn to effectively navigate these thoughts, instead of letting them run the show. Here’s how.
Start moving. Sweeney, an author, writing coach, and editor, found that once she started moving, the negative voice quieted down. For instance, she’d tell herself to “Just put on your running shoes” or “Just walk out the front door.” In fact, the seemingly simple act of moving forward inspired the title of her memoir: Depression Hates a Moving Target.
Think tiny. Similarly, Sweeney suggested readers do “something so tiny you cannot fail. Then, do that itsy-bitsy thing over and over until it becomes comfortable.” For example, she used an interval training plan that started with jogging for 60 seconds. She repeated this until it felt so easy that she “was nearly laughing at how simple it was. I became desensitized to a thing that would have terrified me before.”
Sweeney used the same approach for dealing with panic attacks while driving on the highway: She’d get on the highway at a place that had two exits close together. Then, she’d stay in the right lane until she reached her exit. “I repeated this until it was comfortable. Only then did I stay on the freeway [longer].”
Accept your thoughts. When we have a critical thought, we tend to further criticize ourselves for having it. So, I’m such a failure becomes I’m such an idiot for thinking I’m such a failure. Which, of course, only makes us feel worse.
What’s more helpful is to accept the thought exactly as it is—without judging it. Sometimes, this is all our thoughts need, said Dalgleish, also host of the podcast I’m Not Your Shrink. This doesn’t mean you actually like the thought; it means you’re acknowledging its presence.
According to Dalgleish, you might tell yourself: “Oh look, there is my mind again. It is telling me that I’m a failure. My mind likes to do that when these types of situations come up. I’m going to just notice that I am having this thought right now. I am going to notice that I feel tense and upset when I have that thought.”
Defuse your thoughts. “We become ‘fused’ to our thoughts, which means that we think it, and we believe it, and we run the thought on replay,” Dalgleish said. To help her clients “de-fuse” from their thoughts, she uses a powerful exercise from acceptance and commitment therapy: “We both write a difficult thought on a post-it note and then we wear it on our shirts. It helps to separate the thought, to take it out of our mind, and to actually see that it is just a string of words put together.”
She also suggested these strategies: Sing the thought to the tune of “Happy Birthday”; and visualize the thought on a TV and then adjust the brightness of the image or the color on the screen.
Redefine failure. We can change how we see failure. After all, failure isn’t fixed, and it isn’t gospel. “If you can see failure as simply moments when there are unexpected or undesired outcomes, then these unexpected or undesired outcomes will have no attachment to you as a person,” Hendricks said. Consequently, this protects your core identity and creates opportunities and room for growth, she said.
According to Dalgleish, you might ask yourself: Is there another way of viewing this situation or event? “If I were taking a birds-eye view, what would I see? Have others experienced this and coped as well?” What can I learn from this? How can I view this as an opportunity or invitation?
Try meditation. This also was a helpful practice for Sweeney, who’s meditated for years. Sometimes, she’d do a quick body scan to identify where she was feeling these feelings of failure. Usually, she said, it was her belly or throat. “If I stood still for a moment and let those sensations be, they passed. When the body sensations passed, the negative thoughts also stopped.”
Surround yourself with supportive people. When you forget how capable, competent, and gifted you are, it can help to have people in your corner to remind you, Hendricks said. Plus, these individuals are likely speaking about themselves in positive ways, too, which can rub off on you, she added.
Create a daily mantra. “Research shows that if we tell ourselves how we want to be, or if we write it down, we are more likely to act in line with it,” Dalgleish said. Which is why she suggested creating a daily mantra or “radical statement of acceptance,” such as: “I am right where I need to be” or “I’m doing the best that I can” or even “Let it go.”
Lean into failure. Dalgleish quoted Buddhism teacher Pema Chödrön, who said: “Fail. Fail again. Fail better.” This means, Dalgleish said, that it’s “inevitable to not fail or to not face challenging situations. It is part of the human condition to experience difficulties—not meeting our expected outcome.” So, show up for the hard things. You just “might gain a lot from failing over and over again.”
Seek professional help. Whether your thoughts of failure are due to a difficult childhood or combination of personality traits, working with a therapist can help. As Dalgleish said, this “can be one of the many ways to help create change.”
Today, Sweeney still struggles with negative thoughts. As she said, “It’s ridiculous. I’ve run three full marathons, 27 half marathons in 18 states, and more than 80 shorter races. But if I don’t run for a few days, my mind says, ‘That was fun while it lasted, but you’re done. You’ve forgotten how to run and all your endurance is gone.’”
The only solution, Sweeney said, is to thank her mind for thinking it needs to protect her, ask her mind to hang tight for several minutes, and go out for a run.
“My mind needs to be shown.”
Maybe your mind does, too.
10 Keto Hacks to Try…Or Not
When I say “hack” or “biohack,” what does that call to mind for you? Taking 20 supplements per day, shining special lights into your ears, stem cell injections? Simpler things like wearing blue light blocking glasses or turning your shower to cold for 30 seconds?
The term has become ubiquitous in modern parlance, to the point where its meaning has become blurred. On the one hand, hacking can be about optimizing—taking your health and fitness to the next level once you have the basics dialed in, or adopting strategies aimed at living well over 100. On the other hand, a hack can also be a shortcut or trick designed to reap certain benefits without putting in the usual work. (Whether that’s a clever maneuver or a form of “cheating” depends on the context and whom you ask.)
Since the keto diet has reached such massive popularity, there’s also great interest in hacking keto. This probably isn’t surprising since a keto diet is more restrictive than other ways of eating. Any tactic that might make it easier would therefore be welcome. Also, there’s a lot of hype surrounding the keto diet right now. Yes, it will naturally attract people who aim to optimize their health and who want to squeeze the greatest possible effects out of keto. And…occasionally it may attract people who are looking for a quick fix rather than a long-term solution. Some will assuredly be set up for disappointment when it turns out that keto isn’t a panacea. Results aren’t always forthcoming on people’s desired timeline, so they look for tricks to kick it into high gear.
As you’d expect, then, there are lots of resources promoting “keto hacks.” Most of these turn out to be basic common sense tips for any diet: set realistic goals, plan your meals, know how to read ingredient lists, find an accountability partner. This is all great advice, but it’s not about keto per se. Likewise, a lot of so-called keto hacks are just the Primal Blueprint Laws: move a lot (don’t be sedentary), lift heavy things, avoid sketchy oils, sleep. Everyone should be doing those things, keto or not.
In my view, a keto hack is a strategy that goes beyond the basics of ketogenic eating (i.e., drop carbs and increase fat) to do one of the following:
- Get you into ketosis quickly
- Make a keto diet easier and/or more enjoyable
- Enhance the effects of ketosis and/or increase ketone levels
- Mimic or achieve ketosis without having to strictly restrict dietary carbs
Let’s look at 10 common keto hacks and see how well they jibe with the Keto Reset and Primal approaches.
1. Ingredient Swaps
This one is the most basic, aimed at making keto easier and more enjoyable by taking higher-carbs foods you already know and love and swapping in keto-friendlier ingredients. Think zoodles with pesto and parmesan, almond flour mug bread, cauliflower rice in everything.
This also includes swapping traditional sugars/sweeteners for things like stevia and monk fruit. I’m on the fence regarding the sweeteners. If using keto sweeteners judiciously makes keto sustainable for you, they’re fine in moderation. (Search MDA for articles about the pros and cons of specific options.) However, if they keep your sweet tooth raging and your cravings high, they’re not worth it.
Verdict: Definitely, but be mindful about using keto-friendly sweeteners.
2. Manipulating Your Macros
Once you have the hang of eating basic keto macros, you can choose to strategically manipulate your intake of fat, protein, and carbs. You might want to do this if there’s still room for improving how you feel day-to-day or if you want to make faster progress toward your goals. Dropping dietary fat to lose body fat is one of the advanced strategies described in The Keto Reset Diet. If you’re struggling with hunger, changing your ratio of fat:protein might help. Experimenting with a cyclical or targeted keto approach falls into this category as well.
Verdict: Yes! The Primal+keto approach encourages self-experimentation and finding your personal “sweet spot.”
3. Going Carnivore
More and more people are starting with keto and moving on to carnivore nowadays. For some people it’s about the simplicity—eat meat, don’t eat other foods, done. Other people use carnivore as the ultimate elimination diet because they are desperate to solve the mysteries of their gut or other health issues that paleo/Primal/AIP/keto couldn’t fix.
The jury is still out on whether the carnivore diet is safe long term. As with keto, it surely depends on how you implement it. Are you truly eating nose to tail—organs, skin, blood, glands? That’s very different than only eating ground beef and ribeye. Personally, I doubt that it’s optimal compared to a diet that is at least somewhat omnivorous, but we need more data. Furthermore, I haven’t seen evidence that it’s superior health-wise to Primal+keto for the general population. Of course, if it profoundly changes an individual’s health for the better, that’s a different story.
Verdict: As a short-term experiment, sure. As a long-term diet, I’d need a good reason. (Not wanting to make a salad wouldn’t be good enough for me.)
4. Measuring Ketones and/or Blood Glucose
This falls into the category of self-quantification—not exactly a hack so much as a tool that biohackers use to track how their bodies respond to different stimuli. For individuals who are dealing with medical issues for which blood sugar regulation or ketone levels are important, measuring is a must. For the rest of us, tracking can be a useful tool, especially to see how these markers are affected by specific foods or quantities of foods. Some people simply like gathering data, and that’s cool too.
Just remember that higher ketone levels are not in and of themselves the goal (except in specific medical situations). Ketone and blood glucose levels do not directly predict weight loss or other outcomes, although they can give you some clues about what’s going on in your body.
Verdict: A useful tool for learning about your body, but not necessary if you’re doing keto for general wellness or weight loss. Subjective measures often suffice.
5. Incorporating MCT Oil
Medium-chain triglycerides (MCTs) can be especially useful for supporting a keto diet and are traditionally used in keto fatty coffee recipes. MCTs are digested differently from other fats, going directly to the liver where they can be converted into ketones. The increased ketone production is probably why some people report experiencing greater mental clarity or appetite suppression when they incorporate MCT oil into their diets. Research also suggests that MCTs increase the thermic effect of food and promote greater body fat loss, a benefit to those hoping to lose weight with keto. They might also positively affect gut health.
Because MCTs can raise ketones even when consumed alongside high-carb foods, using MCTs might allow you to still reap some of the benefits of ketosis on higher-carb days. MCTs can also be used alongside intermittent fasting to enhance ketone production and stave off hunger. (Mark’s official decree about whether MCT oil breaks a fast: “technically yes, but realistically no—and it may even enhance your fasting experience when consumed in moderation.”)
On the other hand, an over-reliance on fatty coffee can crowd out more nutrient-dense breakfast options, and MCTs are still calories (though energy efficient ones). If your weight loss stalls, and you’re consuming a lot of MCT oil, that might be the problem. It’s possible to have too much of a good thing.
Verdict: Thumbs up! Start slowly because MCTs can lead to disaster pants if you’re unaccustomed to using them.
6. Taking Exogenous Ketones
Commercially available ketone salts or ketone esters can be used to raise blood ketones above the levels that are typically achievable with diet alone. They are somewhat controversial in the keto diet world, at least in the corner that we inhabit with the Keto Reset. However, I think the research into their possible applications for medicine, sport, and cognitive performance is intriguing.
I’m less enthusiastic about exogenous ketones as a weight-loss supplement. Yes, exogenous ketones can support a ketogenic diet by suppressing appetite, increasing energy, and being used to extend fasting. They do not, however, cause fat burning and weight loss, which is often how they are portrayed to consumers.
Verdict: Unnecessary and expensive. If you have the funds and want to experiment, by all means do so, but check out Mark’s take on exogenous ketones before you buy.
7. Intermittent Fasting
Keto folks love intermittent fasting. Eating in a compressed window during the day makes it easier to control caloric intake and regulate insulin production over a 24-hour period. Some people notice marked improvements in gut health by giving their guts a break from digesting food all the time. As with MCTs and exogenous ketones, intermittent fasting can “make up” for the effects of a somewhat higher-carb diet, allowing you to loosen the reins on the carb restriction a bit and still be in ketosis some of the time.
Many people also find that they naturally slip into a compressed eating window once the appetite suppressing effects of keto start to kick in. In The Keto Reset Diet, Mark recommends starting by delaying the first meal of the day until hunger ensues naturally. This is a gentle way to introduce intermittent fasting.
There are important cautions here though. Women need to be more mindful about fasting and caloric restriction than men, as do high-volume athletes. Intermittent fasting can be stressful on the body, so if you are already under a lot of stress from work, family, health issues, poor sleep, or heavy training load, now is not the time to start.
Verdict: Yes! Start by building a foundation of fat-adaptation first through Primal and ketogenic eating.
8. Fat Fasts, Egg Fasts, Etc.
None of these strategies is actually fasting for the record. They’re very-low-carb eating plans that allow a very limited range of foods. Usually they’re aimed at breaking through a weight loss plateau. If they work, it’s likely due to caloric restriction (it’s boring to eat a lot of the same food all the time). Otherwise, the purported benefits are the same as the regular ol’ keto diet: reduced appetite, increased satiety, and insulin regulation.
To me, these don’t pass the sniff test of “optimizing health.” Indeed, if you look at the “rules” for any of these, there are always myriad warnings about not doing them for more than a few days, if you have certain medical conditions, or if you are already low body fat. You can break through weight loss plateaus with other methods and still get plenty of nutrients.
Verdict: No thanks.
9. Fasted Exercise
This is another of the advanced strategies in The Keto Reset Diet, meaning it should only be undertaken once you have acclimated to the keto diet. Mark recommends working out fasted to help accelerate the process of fat- and keto- adaptation and to promote mitochondrial biogenesis and autophagy. Research has also shown that fasted exercise can improve insulin sensitivity, fat-burning, and endurance.
Note that while it can yield beneficial hormonal and metabolic effects (and is probably useful for endurance athletes), training fasted might not be optimal for people looking for muscle gains. Also, fasting can increase the stress of a workout, so if you already struggle with excess stress or cortisol, this strategy is probably not for you.
Verdict: Yes, once you are fat- and keto-adapted. You need not conduct all workouts fasted to reap the benefits.
10. Sprinting
Mark just wrote a very comprehensive two-part series on sprinting (Part 1, Part 2), so I won’t rehash it all here. Suffice it to say sprinting has tremendous adaptive hormonal effects, and it upregulates fat-burning, which all keto folks want. Sprinting can help deplete glycogen stores and get you into a state of ketosis faster. On the flip side, sprinting in a somewhat glycogen-depleted state (as keto folks generally are) enhances the benefits.
You can adapt sprinting to different fitness levels and physical abilities, so don’t avoid sprinting just because you’re not a runner. If you’re stalled out on your weight loss or fitness goals with your current diet and exercise routine, or if you want to take your fitness to the next level, throwing in the (healthy) stress of sprinting might be just the ticket.
Verdict: Go for it!
Final Thoughts: Use Your Brain (AKA Primal Blueprint Law #9: Avoid Stupid Mistakes)
I feel it’s important to mention that you can be successful and happy with a keto approach that involves none of these hacks. Also, of course, some of these might be inappropriate for your unique situation. With any hacks, understand why you are doing them, as well as the possible benefits and downsides. Don’t try something just because you saw it on YouTube or heard about it from your neighbor if it doesn’t feel right to you.
Most of all, don’t get sucked into the “keto harder” mentality where you just keep pushing and pushing your body to achieve better/faster results to the point where you go way past what is healthy or necessary for you. Be mindful about keeping self-imposed stressors in the “adaptive” category, and don’t compare your journey to others’.
Do you practice any of these? Do you have questions on other keto “hacks” you’ve heard about? Share your thoughts below, and thanks for stopping in today.
The post 10 Keto Hacks to Try…Or Not appeared first on Mark's Daily Apple.
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